Countdown

It is T-6.5 hours before we begin the Junior Olympics at our house.   It was something that I suggested to the Cubs and a neighbor girl as an end of summer event, the planning of which would keep them busy for most of the summer.  Boy did it work!  The medals are mostly done, the games are planned, numerous kids have been invited, and I a need to get some sleep before we are over run with VERY excited olympians!

If you don’t hear from me in a couple of days, please come save me with copious amounts of caffeine!!!!!!

Disappointed yet still proud

Yesterday was graduation for TKD. 

This was probably the last time that Bear, Little Bear, Baby Bear and I will share the graduation, as they will be heading beyond Advanced to Black Belt!  It was a long graduation – 2 hours, but there was a LOT of emotion packed into that time span.

This past cycle has been very, very rough for me.  I have had some physical  issues and some emotional trials that I have had to work through as I learned this new form.  It was a challenge for me to make it to all the classes I needed to graduate.  Add to that the major heat wave that made life very uncomfortable.  This is not a post about complaining, or trying to excuse my way out of doing what I needed to do. It is about laying out facts and letting them fall where they may so that I can sift through them, learn what I can, and set my sites of improving.  This is about trying to set a good example for the cubs.  This is about growing and becoming the person I want to be – emotionally, physically and spiritually happy, healthy and strong. 

I have alluded in previous posts about some family things that were going on, and some grieving that I needed to do, as well as facing some truths that I had been denying for a long time.  That really hit during this cycle.  While I was working through that emotional stuff it took a toll on my physically.  I was not eating right because I was indulging in comfort foods, and I just was not in the mood to plan out healthy meals.   The increase in the workout demands played some havoc with my blood sugars.  I was previously put on a blood sugar medication which resulted in me gaining back some of the weight I had lost, so my workouts are harder to get through.  Emotionally I was just not wanting to workout.  Subsequently I started on a self-perpetuating downward cycle that I needed to break.  The last 2 weeks I worked REALLY hard at getting my form down, eating right, and spending time with my Bible and journal.  The culmination of it all was last night’s graduation.

I was nervous, still unsure of my form, and my brain was fading fast.  For some reason my lower back has really been troubling me.   A visit to the chiropractor provided some relief, but not enough to be pain free and not enough to take away the fear that my right leg would buckle.  When it came time for me to demonstrate my form I felt confident in my knowledge, but was fearful of pain and leg instability.  Unfortunately that fear was my downfall.  For the first time I had to step out of the ring and request to redo my form.  There was no power behind it, it was still faltering, but I did make it through.  While I am not happy with my presentation, I am in fact disappointed in it, I am very proud that I was able to power through all of the things that stood in my way these past 2 months and make it through.  It is only through the help and support of the Pilsung family that got me through… they gave frequent hugs, they sent support e-mails, they were a constant presence in an unstable time.  So I asked Mrs. M to belt me, which she followed up with a long hug.  I can stand tall knowing that I overcame a lot and was still able to get through with my head upright.  I have come to realize through all this that as long as I was doing the best that I could do, I did not have to hang my head in shame. 

So today I stand tall with a purple belt around my waist, ready to tackle the next challenge. 

 

Why have I been so blessed…

I have a major addiction – I LOVE Pinterest.   There are so many things that I have found that have stimulated the creative part of me, encouraged the spiritual part of me, and have inspired me to think outside the box.  One thing that I found was “My Virtual Model”.   You enter your current weight and your goal weight and it shows you what you will look like.  You can customize hair and body shape, etc.  It is honestly does a really good job.  I was playing with it this evening before snuggle time with the cubs.  I am still very embarrassed by the actual number that is my weight.  I know I have made tremendous strides in my health, but the number itself is still very embarrassing to me.  I also have cubs who have no filters between their brains and their mouths.  As I was customizing my “Model”, I asked the oldest cub to turn away as I was entering the “current weight”.   Little Bear got REALLY upset that I asked her to turn away – like to the point of tears.  Bear was trying to explain to her that there are some things that are private and when someone asks you to turn away you just do it without asking questions.  He was right – that is a lesson that both cubs need to learn.  But I felt in my heart there was more to the upset than just being told not to look.  Finally I was able to coax out of Little Bear that we are family, and we should not have secrets from each other.  (OK, I guess my own words were being thrown back at me…need to think before I lecture next time since it appears they are actually listening!)  I explained to Little Bear how I was embarrassed by the number and really did not even want Daddy Bear to know it.  Little Bear looked up at me with tear filled eyes and said “Mommy, it is just a number.  We are family, we don’t need to be embarrassed by the numbers.  All it means is that you have room for your huge heart”.  Meanwhile Baby Bear walks in and joins the conversation.  Baby Bear also informs me that it does not matter what I weigh, what number appears on the scales, that they all love me because of who I am – Mommy Bear, and that I am a great person.  I was humbled.  Daddy Bear looked over Little Bear’s head and grinned at me.   His eyes saying “I have told you all along that we love you just the way you are.  The reason we want you to lose weight is to be healthy, not because we don’t like you the way you are”.

It has been an emotionally rough week.  But God showed me His unconditional love through a website, 2 Cubs and a Daddy Bear.  I have been truly blessed.

Back into real life

The week of June 17th through the 24th my family went on vacation. We left our hot flat area of the country for a hot mountainous area of the country. My parents (the only living grandparents of the cubs) went with us. You see, Popaw Bear has cancer. He has been valiantly fighting it for 7.5 years. The type of cancer he is combating has a five-year survival rate of 17%. We are on gifted time. He is currently on his 2nd recurrence of the disease. From and earthly standpoint, the outcome this time is fairly bleak. So we took this vacation together while he is still able to have some fun so we could all build up memories for those times when the going gets rough. When we returned home I had to admit that this time my daddy is not going to get well the way I want him to.   For the first time since the days after his initial diagnosis, I broke down in sobs and allowed so much of the pain, the fear and anger at the situation flow out on Bear’s shirt front. All my emotions have been on edge and the tears are never very far from the surface recently. For someone who does not like to cry, especially in front of people, the inability to control my emotions has been doubly distressing and embarrassing for me. But with the admission of my emotions I have found such an outpouring of love and support from unexpected places.  For all those who have given hugs, sent texts, called, and written, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I have always kept people up to date on how my parents are doing, but rarely have I addressed how I am doing, except when it was in celebration of Popaw Bear’s triumph over the disease.   I have always kept the focus on how Mimi and Popaw Bear were handling things.    Part of it was because as the adult child I was wading through uncharted waters and was unsure how much people really cared how I was handling things.  It was also a defense mechanism for me – a way to hide.  If I talked about them and not me, I did not have to face my own emotions.   The result, though, is that 7.5 years of fear, anger, and grief have come shooting out like a diet coke/Mentos experiment, a veritable volcano of feelings that I had no idea were even there, let alone know how to identify and name and work through.

I write this, not as a way to get sympathy, but to talk about how doing this has affected my life.   It is also to let anyone who wanders onto this blog understand my point of view as I work through the next period of my life.  It is another part of getting fit.   I have come to the realization that I can’t be fit physically if I am not fit mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well.   Not only do I need to get my muscles back in shape and shed extra pounds, I need to shed some emotional poundage as well.  As I move towards health, I have to address the relationship I have with myself, with my family and friends, and especially with God.    So it is time to get serious.  It is time to get back to work in the studio.  It is time to get back on my computer for work.  It is time to work in my journal for my emotions.  It is time to work on my knees with my open Bible to heal my soul.