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How did I get here?

I am a 44-year-old woman.  I am a 44-year-old fat woman – there, I finally said it.  I am not heavy.  I am not plump.  I am fat.

I was not always this way.  I was 5’8″ and 118 lbs when I graduated from high school.  I put on the typical freshman 15 in college.  When I got married at 23 years of age I was at 145 lbs and felt really good.  I had energy, clothes fit nicely, and I was happy.  Of course, marrying one of the best men on earth tends to make one very happy!!!!

About a year after we were married I started having a variety of ailments.  They would treat one and another would develop and they would treat that, and on and on.  This was the early 1990s.  Finally, after 9 years of putting on weight,  9 years of infertility with all the accompanying heartache, all the medications treating all the different ailments, a doctor put it all together.  Everything was related.   I was finally diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.   I was not crazy. I was not a hypochondriac.  I was not a lazy slob.  I truly did have a physical condition which contributed to all of it.  Unfortunately, there is no cure, and at the time there was very little information on how to treat it.  Since Bear and I decided that we were done with the fertility roller-coaster, the doctors did not offer us very much in the way of treating all the symptoms.  The weight continued to increase, and depression really started to gain hold.

Now it is 2011.

I have suffered with depression.   Finally the medication I was on stopped working and I got on a new medication.  It was life changing.  The physical pain that I thought was just a part of being fat went away.  I felt like I could get up and actually do something during the day.

I have elevated blood sugars.  They have attempted to put me on medications for it but I react badly to them and they have had to take me off all of them.

I weigh….a lot.  I won’t say that I have made the best choices about food.  I have not.  I love to eat all the wrong things.  I have reflux, which is worsened by my weight, but creates a feeling of constant hunger, so I eat to stop the burning which increases my weight, which….well, you get the picture.

I can no longer even attempt to keep up with my children.   Whenever a weight loss product or an exercise machine is advertised they inform me that I need to order it.  They have expressed concern about my health.  But even worse, they have expressed that they are embarrassed by me.  That hurts.

Now I sit at a crossroads.  I have to do something.  I have to become more healthy so that I no longer embarrass my children, so that I don’t develop any more weight related issues,  so that I am around to enjoy life with my husband.  This is my journey towards health.   I am going to start one step at a time.  I am going to enjoy the journey instead of looking only at the destination.   My overall goal is to be comfortable in a swimsuit by October 2012.  I don’t expect to be in a bikini – as my youngest would say, “that would not be appropriate” since we don’t wear bikinis in our home.  But I would like to be able to participate in and enjoy a big reunion we are planning at Great Wolf Lodge in October 2012.  That is my destination.  But that is a long ways away.  I want to enjoy tonight with my family.  I want to anticipate next weekend.  I want to enjoy the path down which I am headed.    I know it won’t be easy.  I know there are times that I am going to become discouraged.  But if I can just stay focused on the here and now, I know I can make it.


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