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Disappointed yet still proud

Yesterday was graduation for TKD. 

This was probably the last time that Bear, Little Bear, Baby Bear and I will share the graduation, as they will be heading beyond Advanced to Black Belt!  It was a long graduation – 2 hours, but there was a LOT of emotion packed into that time span.

This past cycle has been very, very rough for me.  I have had some physical  issues and some emotional trials that I have had to work through as I learned this new form.  It was a challenge for me to make it to all the classes I needed to graduate.  Add to that the major heat wave that made life very uncomfortable.  This is not a post about complaining, or trying to excuse my way out of doing what I needed to do. It is about laying out facts and letting them fall where they may so that I can sift through them, learn what I can, and set my sites of improving.  This is about trying to set a good example for the cubs.  This is about growing and becoming the person I want to be – emotionally, physically and spiritually happy, healthy and strong. 

I have alluded in previous posts about some family things that were going on, and some grieving that I needed to do, as well as facing some truths that I had been denying for a long time.  That really hit during this cycle.  While I was working through that emotional stuff it took a toll on my physically.  I was not eating right because I was indulging in comfort foods, and I just was not in the mood to plan out healthy meals.   The increase in the workout demands played some havoc with my blood sugars.  I was previously put on a blood sugar medication which resulted in me gaining back some of the weight I had lost, so my workouts are harder to get through.  Emotionally I was just not wanting to workout.  Subsequently I started on a self-perpetuating downward cycle that I needed to break.  The last 2 weeks I worked REALLY hard at getting my form down, eating right, and spending time with my Bible and journal.  The culmination of it all was last night’s graduation.

I was nervous, still unsure of my form, and my brain was fading fast.  For some reason my lower back has really been troubling me.   A visit to the chiropractor provided some relief, but not enough to be pain free and not enough to take away the fear that my right leg would buckle.  When it came time for me to demonstrate my form I felt confident in my knowledge, but was fearful of pain and leg instability.  Unfortunately that fear was my downfall.  For the first time I had to step out of the ring and request to redo my form.  There was no power behind it, it was still faltering, but I did make it through.  While I am not happy with my presentation, I am in fact disappointed in it, I am very proud that I was able to power through all of the things that stood in my way these past 2 months and make it through.  It is only through the help and support of the Pilsung family that got me through… they gave frequent hugs, they sent support e-mails, they were a constant presence in an unstable time.  So I asked Mrs. M to belt me, which she followed up with a long hug.  I can stand tall knowing that I overcame a lot and was still able to get through with my head upright.  I have come to realize through all this that as long as I was doing the best that I could do, I did not have to hang my head in shame. 

So today I stand tall with a purple belt around my waist, ready to tackle the next challenge. 

 

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