I have an entire calendar filled in with topics I want to write about here.
But right now my emotions aren’t letting me write about things. In fact I feel like I am paralyzed. I realize that this is the product of grief. I am the one who wanted to be a grief counselor way back when. But reading and studying about it and then living it are two totally different things. That, and the fact that I always think I should be the exception to the rules and speed through things more quickly don’t make a good mix when I need to just slow down, allow the emotions to come, and hang on through the resulting turmoil. I am learning that I need to take care of myself through this – take a long soak in the tub, or just close myself off in my office and do things that are comforting to me, such as scrapbook. I don’t have to be the one to take care of the whole family and be strong for everyone else.
As an only child I have done a lot of thinking over the years about losing my parents and the fact that when it all boils down I will be going home alone – there will be no one else who shares the same memories that I do of family dinners, New Year’s Eve, refinishing and reupholstering furniture, or drawing on the walls with pencil. But my aunt put it perfectly –
You can see the train coming and you can brace for it, but there is nothing to prepare you for when it actually hits.
Today I was working and reviewing a chart for a medical test. That led to me thinking about the amount of times that dad had undergone that same test. One thought led to another and suddenly I was sitting at my desk watering my keyboard and mopping my nose with that roll of toilet paper on my desk. (Note to self – pick up tissues at the grocery store) Because of the amount of emotion and the sheer magnitude of my family’s loss, I feel like it has been weeks since my dad’s death and funeral. But when I look at the calender it has been less than 2 weeks.
Emotions, they play tricks on the mind and on the heart.