Life is getting rougher right now.
There are emotions I
want need to express.
There are gut wrenching feelings that I don’t know how to express.
I want to hide from the emotions.
I want them to go away.
I want things to be the way they have been.
I am angry – at God, at the situation, at the unfairness of it all.
I am just plain mad.
I am so glad that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed, because right now that is about all I have. I wish I could say I am steadfast and resting quietly in His arms. But right now I am banging my fists against His chest and screaming at Him like a spoiled 3-year-old who is not getting her way.
Last August I could never have admitted any of these emotions. Last August I would have smiled and said everything was fine. But now, with the purging of the toxins in my muscles, I am learning to purge the toxins in my heart as well. I have learned that I can’t hide away. I have gained a whole new family who worry about me, who check on me, who are there with hugs, pats on the back, and who hold boards when I need to break something. I can see the people around me who wait for me to reach out to them. I have people in my life now who accept me for where I am right now.
I am thankful for the lesson to live in the moment. I am thankful for a God who understands my confusion and anger. I am thankful for the gifts He gives me in the form of friends, family and loved ones.
Life is not easy for me right now, but I am blessed.