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One day at a time

Life is getting rougher right now.

There are emotions I want  need to express.

There are gut wrenching feelings that I don’t know how to express.

I want to hide from the emotions.

I want them to go away.

I want things to be the way they have been.

I am angry – at God, at the situation, at the unfairness of it all.

I am just plain mad.

I am so glad that I only need faith the size of a mustard seed, because right now that is about all I have.   I wish I could say I am steadfast and resting quietly in His arms.  But right now I am banging my fists against His chest and screaming at Him like a spoiled 3-year-old who is not getting her way.

Last August I could never have admitted any of these emotions.  Last August I would have smiled and said everything was fine.  But now, with the purging of the toxins in my muscles, I am learning to purge the toxins in my heart  as well.  I have learned that I can’t hide away.  I have gained a whole new family who worry about me, who check on me, who are there with hugs, pats on the back, and who hold boards when I need to break something.   I can see the people around me who wait for me to reach out to them.  I have people in my life now who accept me for where I am right now.

I am thankful for the lesson to live in the moment.  I am thankful for a God who understands my confusion and anger.  I am thankful for the gifts He gives me in the form of friends, family and loved ones.

Life is not easy for me right now, but I am blessed.

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One thought on “One day at a time

  1. Nanc,
    My heart and prayers are with you. I praise God you have the courage to release your feelings – He’s big enough to handle them 🙂

    Hugs,
    Cassie

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